It sucks

May 16th 2002 -

That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?

No, really. It sucks.
You can’t hold “Attack of the Clones” to the same standard that you would, say, a movie with a real script and actual acting and exciting bits. It’s a Star Wars film. What did you expect?

I was bored senseless. And when I wasn’t bored, I was wincing.
Hey, look. You’ve got to get into the spirit of it. Enjoy it on its own terms. Reach your inner child.

OK, it had one good bit, close to the end.
See? There you go. I knew you could do it.

For the love of all that you worship, get very drunk before seeing this film.
I’m warning you.

Chug every time there is a chase sequence. Don’t forget to bring a case of beer.
So? Chase sequences are good. You can sell video games based on chase sequences.

Chug for every racist stereotype.
Hey, just because the fat, hook-nosed money-lending creature with an interesting accent is shown now wearing a flat black hat, doesn’t mean that he’s meant to be Jamaican.

Chug for every time it copies a successful set piece from another film.
I know for a fact that those “Fifth Element” guys would love such an extended reference to their skills. They’d love it. And the Gladiator folks will be glad for the exposure.

Chug for every time they branch another parallel storyline.
Oh, I give up. You’re just jealous.

Stupid film.
It’s your fault. Stop being so picky. Remember, it’s only a cliche if you’ve seen it dozens of times before. There are probably hundreds of people out there who have never seen a movie or television program or play or book or comic or computer game and who have no oral tradition, who will find it fresh and original. Remember: nobody likes a whinger.

Chug for every time Anakin whinges.
Shut up. [hic]

Leave a comment!

  • Pages

  • Archives

  • Categories