On Being a Bad Parent
September 8th 2010 -
I should mention that the previous “Fed, nappy changed” post was done at 3am. Fortunately, there hasn’t been a night quite so exciting since then.
Talking about monkey’s behaviour brings up a couple of interesting topics. The first is that of how to talk with other parents. For new parents, I think the “Am I Being A Bad Parent?” sensitivity amplifier is tuned pretty high. Any discussion about parenting (which is fascinating to me now, by the way, so I’m still enjoying doing it) has me constantly running a secondary attenuator.
THEM: Perhaps if you…
ME: I already tried that.
THEM: You don’t know what I was going to say.
ME: I already TRIED IT.
THEM: But…
ME: I’m not a bad parent! I was just born this way!
The topic of how to settle a baby is right up there, of course. Marco A. correctly suggests in comments that the term “training” is mechanistic.
If a baby is crying, is it ethical to leave her to suffer, even if there is no long-term harm? For me, when I decide “she’s fine; I’m not picking her up”, it’s because I need sleep. I will give her attention and comfort once I’ve had that sleep. If I’m not too tired, I *want* to comfort her.
One could (ungenerously) call this “trickle-down happiness”. While net happiness is not a zero-sum game, it’s an easy default to sacrifice too much of oneself for the sake of the baby. The point where it’s “too much” is pretty close to the point where resentment creeps in, and that varies from parent to parent. The feeling of “bad parent” is most pronounced when I have just crossed that threshold and act in self-interest, even if the intention is that it helps both of us in the long run.
More contentiously, I also think if I give up and pick her up after a long period of crying (barring a change of circumstances – eg. if she’s too hot or cold or has vomited), she is (unconsciously) learning that if she wants to be comforted, sometimes she has to cry for longer.
This approach is largely informed by Dad’s theory of behaviour. It’s variously at odds with other theories. The pamphlet we got from the mother’s association states with confidence that if the baby cries, it’s for a good reason and you should always comfort her (but relents a little by saying if you’re frazzled to the point of wishing harm, you should take a bit of a break before getting back into the fray). And then there’s the “controlled crying” technique, which is very much at odds with Dad’s suggestions.
Tricky. Work in progress. Results not yet in.
marco parigi Says:
September 8th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
More contentiously, I also think if I give up and pick her up after a long period of crying (barring a change of circumstances – eg. if she’s too hot or cold or has vomited), she is (unconsciously) learning that if she wants to be comforted, sometimes she has to cry for longer
First of all, Your a good parent, dont let anyone make you think otherwise!
On a more intellectual level, however, crying and learning from the results is not something that I can believe happens at this age. It really is a completely involuntary inbuilt communication device for the baby. You will recognise, even in your sleep from the other side of the house, the “urgent” cry that needs more critical attention. Don’t feel guilty for letting go the less urgent cries.
Kate Says:
September 8th, 2010 at 6:36 pm
I bet there’s no “one size fits all” approach.
Here, this might help:
http://www.radiolab.org/blogs/radiolab-blog/2009/aug/24/after-birth/
Or not, but it’s pretty entertaining. :)
kylie parigi Says:
September 8th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
I have just one question, how exactly can you sleep with a crying baby in the house?
And one statement. All the university degrees in the world are obviously of no use to anyone, if you think that you can reduce a newborn baby’s crying to a mathematical equation.
admin Says:
September 9th, 2010 at 8:46 am
Mathematical equation?
Anne from Adelaide Says:
September 9th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Yes, like pi: transcendental, irrational, never repeats the same pattern and never, ever ends.
kylie parigi Says:
September 11th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
I was referring to the bit about trickle down happiness and net happiness not being a zero sum game. Marco has since informed me that this is more game theory rather than maths in itself. Just the fact that you differentiate between these two things says to me that you’re overthinking the whole thing. But here are some stats for you, those must be some other sort of maths, that aren’t quite maths, but any way. I have 5 children, all of them were picked up and comforted whenever they cried, day or night. I didn’t play with them at night, just changed and fed them and rocked them back to sleep and put them back to bed. #1 slept through the night from 8 weeks onwards, #2 from 9 months, #3 from 3 weeks, #4 from 8 weeks and #5 from 3 weeks. Once they started sleeping through they continued on with it. You may say what happened with #2. The variable there seemed to be that he was the only one that ever slept in our bedroom, and he was an extremely hungry baby. Although he had the lowest birth weight he gained over 400g most weeks thereafter. And while this can be exhausting, the upside for the breastfeeding mother is that the 18kg I gained during pregnancy, I lost in 10 weeks. So getting the pre-pregnancy figure back was a breeze. Also you didn’t answer my question about how you manage to sleep with a crying baby in the house. Currently at 25weeks with number 6, I’d really like to know how you manage that one. It may come in very useful as I now qualify as a geriatric mother, and could use a bit more sleep.
admin Says:
September 12th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Ah, I see! Yes, I tend to talk like that.
We sleep with a crying baby one at a time, for the most part. Jade’s room is downstairs, our room is upstairs, and it’s just far away that the crying is mostly inaudible (we have a baby monitor which is on most of the time).
When Jade is crying and won’t be comforted (she cries *more* when she’s being handled sometimes – I think she doesn’t like being over-handled) I will stay in the room with her, and we turn the baby monitor off and Von gets some sleep. I don’t mind the crying – it’s more like low-level whinging, I guess. She usually goes to sleep after about 10 minutes, and stays asleep well.
Thanks for the lowdown on what happened for you. I’m taking advice from everyone at the moment, and enjoying listening to how different babies respond to different things. Of course every baby is unique, and it’s a delight to hear how Jade is unique!
kylie parigi Says:
September 12th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
I get the bit about not liking being overhandled. #3 would cry until you actually put her down in the cot. When she wanted to sleep, she wanted to be able to stretch out flat on her own. And #1 did the whinging thing for about 10 minutes before falling asleep too. I really struggled with that, and Marco would make me go down the back yard until she was asleep. He didn’t mind the crying either. None of that worked with #2 though. He had to be rocked to sleep every time. Some nights he slept in the pram in the hallway as that was the only thing that worked, and his ability to cry at full volume for extended periods was truly astounding. There were an inordinate number of Italians staying in the house with us at the time, and I think the stress really affected him. Now however he is the most helpful and least likely to throw a tantrum of them all, so all that work and feeding and comforting paid off in the end. Don’t think your system with the crying baby will work for us though. Our house is all on one level. Guess I’ll just have to make Marco take the new baby out for an hour or 2 so that I can catch up on sleep/